he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
