i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
