Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
