her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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