I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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