Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
