just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
As shirtless as possible
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
