CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize