Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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