sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
