Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
