it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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