No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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