I could make wine with my vomit
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
