um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
