The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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