why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
