I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
