Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
