I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
