did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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