so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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