we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
