I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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