I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
