that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
