when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
