Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
