Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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