My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
