Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
