My underwear smells like fireworks.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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