Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize