He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
