WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Someone signed my nipple.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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