mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
there was a trapeze. enough said
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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