I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
