my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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