I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
