My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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