So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
