Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
