I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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