So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
