I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
