saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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