Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
