hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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