how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
