he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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