you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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