this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
