Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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