i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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