the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
