two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
