I wish I could punch you in the face.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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