Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
