my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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